Even though.

February was filled with so much excitement, preparation, change and joy.

After a year of trying for a baby, I found out I was finally pregnant on our anniversary weekend.

March was filled with just as much expectancy even with the nausea and bed ridden exhaustion. But later that month, at the first ultrasound we found out something was wrong.

A week later they confirmed that the baby didn’t make it.

It was the first ultrasound appointment I had where Sam wasn’t present because we truly thought there was nothing to be concerned about.

I kept crying, “No! No! No!” over and over again before I called him to break his heart with the news.

In times of pain we are forced to decide whether we actually believe God is who He says He is.

Is He only good when our entitlement gets what it thinks it deserves?

Or is He good in all things?

The days to come were washed over with moments of honest tears, heartfelt worship and surrender.

As much pain I felt that day, we are filled with peace now.

I am not angry at God.

If I am to truly believe He loves me then how could I simultaneously accommodate the thought that He is holding out on us?

I’ve actually found myself thanking the Lord for His goodness more so lately than I had in a long time.

After 11 months of negative test results,

After this miscarriage,

After it taking me 4 days of labor to give birth to Judah,

I realized I cannot conceive without the Lord opening up my womb.

I cannot keep a pregnancy going without His breath sustaining it.

I cannot deliver a baby out of my body without His divine help.

I quite literally cannot do anything alone.

It is frightening,

And it is also liberating.

In spite of an overwhelmingly undesired outcome,

I’ve submitted myself to this:

If the Lord, God Almighty, King of Kings himself decided that this little life ought to continue it’s existence in Heaven rather than here,

Then that’s what I want, too.

I don’t understand it. And I probably won’t until I’m on the other side.

Until then,

Ears won’t hear me condemn my God.

But they will hear me talk about how He clothed me when I felt vulnerable, how His tenderness mended me, how His love is all that I can see.

I share all this not for any reason other than to commemorate our little baby,

The journey of carrying their life,

And the reminder that God is still good.

Motherhood is altogether disorienting and disruptive.

But it is also divine.

Filled with exclusive highs and grave digging lows,

I am finding that this is a privilege.

My assurance?

Jesus is greater than any loss. ♥️

“O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?””

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭15‬:‭55‬