I got to see my dad every other weekend before he was taken away, from the time I was 7 up until about 14.
After that, I don’t remember seeing him often. Perhaps on occasion, when I was in town or got lost and needed directions. He always knew which road was which.
I think I was still carrying resentment and unforgiveness but I didn’t know that then. So I kept my distance.
I can’t tell you how much it grieves me when I remember the look in his eyes. Of wanting to hug me, to share his heart with me, but staying quiet out of respect for the clear distance I’d created.
I didn’t know how to approach those emotions so I never got to have a heart to heart with him before he died.
At “home”, life was chaotic, to say the least.
The natural loving relationship that exists between a mother and child never truly sprouted for us. Yelling, screaming, fighting, beatings, crying- those were a constant. I don’t remember ever exchanging “I love yous” or hugs those days.
It didn’t really hit me until a few years ago. The feeling of feeling orphaned. And then I remembered that as a young girl, there was a little scripture that always stood out to me. I didn’t know why since I couldn’t “literally” relate to it until now.
“God is in his holy Temple.
He is a father to orphans,
and he defends the widows.”
Psalm 68:5
Last year, the Lord took me through a beautiful journey.
Of showing me that I’d been walking around never having experienced the love of a parent as He would have it.
And in effect, never REALLY believing that He loved me like one.
So He kindly took me by the hand, and showed me an incredible love story.
Every moment I was failed, every moment my little child’s heart was broken, He had been fighting for me.
That I had always been the apple of His eye and that He had wanted me from the very beginning.
In His presence I am amazed at the unconditional love He gives me, His fierce protection that always goes with me, the family He’s adopted me into and the gentle nurture He wraps me up with.
What the world called orphan, He has called royalty.
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